What a year.
I’m celebrating its end. And the serenity that comes with it.
I’d have loved to own the “it’s not that deep” line… and the “in the grand scheme of things” mindset … but this year really was that deep and it was MY grand scheme of things.
Anxiety is most of what I remember, started by an abrupt end, continued by everything that followed. I don’t think it was depression, let’s call it temporarily “out of service”. I was functioning but I was so lost.
Don’t get me wrong, there were happy moments in-between but those didn’t control the narrative.
I want to say it was a necessary year and that I’ve learned a lot but I didn’t. I’ve repeated patterns, recovered and fallen again and even still, things aren’t quite well yet.
BUT ….(because there’s always a but):
I started things.
I started trusting a friend to help me through my pain as my full self and in all my imperfect ways.
I started settling into the peace that surrounds surrender.
I started inviting people into my space, instead of trying to fit into theirs.
I started rollerblading … arguably small but it brought me massive joy.
I started sleeping more.
I started saying how I feel…with the occasional hiccup ….but still.
I can’t quite see the lesson yet but I started putting things in place that might get me there.
And if my ability to do that IS the lesson, then I’m ok with that too.